Sex, God, & Chaos

042 Sex is Not a Need

Episode Summary

Ben Derrick and Roane Hunter discuss the importance of communication and emotional expression in navigating uncomfortable conversations around sexuality. They highlight the lack of open communication in most couples, leading to unhealthy sexual practices and emotional suppression. They also explore the seven desires of the human heart and their significance in finding true intimacy and connection. Derrick and Hunter emphasize the importance of active listening, self-awareness, and emotional expression in relationships and address the unmet desires that drive human behavior. They also discuss the psychological and emotional effects of pornography and masturbation on individuals and the importance of addressing these issues through open communication and seeking support from spouses and therapists.

Episode Notes

Action Items

• Do self-reflection on how your own desires were/are met, and how this relates to your personal stories.
• Consider opening up to safe people about what you are discovering and figuring out regarding your own story and the seven desires.

Outline

Desires and their impact on relationships.

• Hosts express gratitude for podcast's reach and impact, while acknowledging the need for continued support and sharing.
• Ben Derrick and Roane Hunter discuss the importance of communication in sexual relationships.
• They describe how many couples operate in a "sexual dance" of non-communication, which can lead to unhealthy patterns.
• Hosts discuss seven desires of the human heart in navigating difficult circumstances.
• Roane Hunter explains that desire is not just a physical need but a deeper longing for true intimacy and connection.
• The Hebrew word "yetzer hara" refers to the dark desires within us, including murder, greed, and lust, which are part of human nature even after salvation.

Confronting dark desires in Christian life.

• Ben Derrick and Roane Hunter discuss the limitations of traditional religious teachings on sexuality and relationships.
• Derrick argues that the Western Church is not open or safe for discussions on these topics, while Hunter believes that people are desperate for this information.
• Ben Derrick and Roane Hunter discuss the struggle with dark desires and the importance of acknowledging and addressing them in one's spiritual journey.
• The speakers emphasize the reality of these desires in people's lives and the need to understand and deal with them in a biblical and experiential way.

Desires and their impact on relationships.

• Roane Hunter discusses the "seven desires" concept, citing James 4:1-2.
• Roane Hunter discusses the importance of being heard, understood, and blessed, as well as being safe, touched, included, and chosen in relationships.
• Hunter emphasizes the need for emotional safety and human touch in relationships, and how a lack of these can lead to long-term problems.

Unmet desires driving harmful behaviors in men.

• Ben Derrick discusses his desire for affirmation and understanding in his relationships, and how he has taken control of his own desires when they are not being met.
• Derrick shares his experiences with sexuality and obsession with being chosen and touched, and how this has impacted his relationships.
• Ben Derrick and Roane Hunter discuss the impact of unmet desires on sexual behavior and the importance of addressing these needs in a healthy and constructive way.
• Roane Hunter discusses the appeal of masturbation and pornography, citing ease of access and satisfaction of desires as main reasons.
• Hunter argues that the brain is conditioned to respond positively to these stimuli, making it difficult for men to stop despite negative consequences.

The impact of pornography and masturbation on individuals and relationships.

• Men struggle to regulate emotions through pornography use, leading to unmet desires and emotional work.
• Roane Hunter discusses the challenges of overcoming pornography addiction, particularly in men.
• Hunter notes that exposure to pornography is common among children, with the average age of exposure to hardcore porn being around 10-13 years old.

Empowering individuals to express their desires in relationships.

• Ben Derrick and Roane Hunter discuss the harm caused by shaming children and using religion to hide their sexual curiosity.
• They argue that this approach leads to secrecy and silence, causing more harm in the long run.
• Ben Derrick and Roane Hunter discuss the "Desires of the Heart" list, a tool for couples to identify and communicate their deepest needs and desires in their relationship.
• The list includes 7 categories, and the couple works together to rate how well their partner is meeting their needs in each category.

Emotional intelligence and expression in men.

• Roane Hunter and Ben Derrick discuss the importance of communication in relationships, particularly in understanding each other's needs and desires.
• They explore how childhood experiences can shape one's understanding of relationships and how to meet needs in a healthy way.
• Roane Hunter describes himself as a high feeling man, raised by an Enneagram One mother and Five father, and struggles with emotional intensity and overactive conscience.
• Hunter believes that parents of high feeling emotional men often struggle to meet their emotional needs, leading to a "big mess" in relationships until the man can slow down and be understood.
• Roane Hunter shares personal experiences as a high feeling man, recognizing that many men struggle with emotional expression and stoicism.
• Ben Derrick agrees and adds that depression can be seen as anger turned inward, while anger turned outward can be a sign of depression.

Emotional needs and how to meet them in a healthy way.

• Ben Derrick and Roane Hunter discuss the importance of men's groups for emotional support and meeting desires.
• Men can find emotional fulfillment in healthy men's groups, rather than relying solely on their spouses.
• Roane Hunter and Ben Derrick discuss the importance of self-awareness in relationships and spiritual growth.
• They emphasize the need for men to open up and uncover their true selves, especially in same-gender relationships.