In this episode, we delve into the transformative impact of group dynamics on the journey towards healing and wholeness. Roane and Eva share profound insights from their experience leading men's, women's, and couples' intensives, highlighting the lasting connections forged in these supportive environments. Join us as we explore the power of shared experiences and the reassurance of realizing you're not alone in your struggles. Through candid conversations and personal anecdotes, Roane and Eva uncover the commonality of human experiences and the importance of community in navigating crisis-level challenges. From overcoming feelings of isolation to embracing the healing potential of group intensives, this episode offers valuable perspectives on the effectiveness of collective support in fostering growth and resilience. Whether you're grappling with sexual brokenness or other forms of personal crisis, this episode provides valuable insights into the transformative power of group dynamics in the journey towards healing and restoration.
Ben Derrick 0:04
Welcome to the Sex God and Chaos podcast. Conversation built to help you address the mess, connect the dots and defeat addiction. Doing your work matters because if nothing changes, then nothing changes. Life is tough, and we're here to help. I'm your host, Ben Derrick. And as always, I'll be joined by Ron Hunter. Let's jump right in.
Well, let's return to my standard intro back again for another episode.
Roane Hunter 0:34
Here we are again. And I'm back.
You're back baby
back.
Eva Hunter 0:40
Got his sidekick.
Roane Hunter 0:42
Eva is still with us. Yeah.
Ben Derrick 0:44
It was a fantastic 40 minute episode without you, but I don't want to rub that in your face.
Roane Hunter 0:49
Or you know, I wake up a lot of mornings and look over and I'm like Eva is still with us.
Speaker 1 0:56
So do I.
Roane Hunter 1:03
She loves me. I know she does.
Ben Derrick 1:06
a while since we were the three of us on a microphone. It really has. Yeah, too long. I would say yeah. So
Eva Hunter 1:12
good. See how much fun this is.
Roane Hunter 1:13
Yeah, we should be back more often.
Like your name is on the podcast. We like it when you're a guest on your podcast.
Eva Hunter 1:24
I know. I'm definitely a special guest.
Roane Hunter 1:29
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 1:30
I think everyone who listens this podcast knows Eve as the most boundaried woman in the United States of America. Yeah, I know my name is on that podcast. I'll be there when I'm ready. And we're like, Cool. Sounds good. When I can fit it in there. Yeah.
Roane Hunter 1:46
Lots of therapists refer their clients to Eva to do work on boundaries.
Ben Derrick 1:52
I can see that. See that? Oh, yeah. Well, let's be honest, part of the reason why it's difficult is because you guys have so much going on. And one of those things we're going to talk about today, a part of your practice or an arm of what you do intensives, which sounds intense, right? So we want to get we wanted to get an episode in where we described, what is an intensive? Why are they necessary? Because we get this question a lot. I know that I do. If I'm sitting down with someone, and I'm air quoting here regularly, and sometimes regularly means six times a year that's not regularly. But if I'm sitting down with someone regularly, then why do I need to go to an intensive? And what happens that those intensives anyway, you know, some people see them as a bait and switch, or is this going to be an ambush? What is this like? And I bring these descriptions up because I've been around them, they're nothing like that. And we're going to take some time to describe what an intensive is, and why you guys have chosen to incorporate that as part of your model of helping people. Right.
Roane Hunter 2:53
Well, you're so right being you know, people hear the word intake, and we get the questions, you know, what was it in an intensive? It sounds like it's just gonna be very strenuous. And in many ways it is because it really, it's an emotional marathon. And those emotional marathons do become physical. But yeah, I think we call them intensives. I don't know where the name I don't like lot a times workshop, seminar. But I think I do like the word.
Eva Hunter 3:27
I think because a lot of work happens. In theory, a lot of therapy work happens.
Roane Hunter 3:33
Yeah it's actually, you know, you're actually doing going like clinical therapy work for roughly about seven hours, during the days that you're participating in the intensive. And if you've been a part of therapy, and you sat on a couch for an hour, you know, it's like, you're a lot of people that's hard to do, man. Yeah, yeah, it's so certainly them coming and doing this is powerful, because the fact that you can get so much work done in that setting. And the dynamics are so great. I mean, we do one to one intensives, where we just work with a couple, you know, even as a couple working with them as a couple, we just call those our one to one intensives but the group intensives. And we tell the couples that do that that's a group intensives are actually we believe more effective, more powerful, because you're actually watching and hearing these other couples do their work and you're learning from them as they are talking. And they are actually doing the experiential therapy exercises that are part of the intensives and it's just really powerful because there's so much awareness that comes as a result of, of just being in that room. group setting.
Speaker 2 5:00
Exactly and even in a partner intensive, where it's just women, and we talk about their losses, many of them don't really have a language for, I've lost, like, the part where he promised to forsake all others. Right? I've lost that. But what else have I lost? I don't know, I'm not even aware of what else I've lost. But to hear another woman share? Well, this is what I've lost. And there is so many me to moments where they haven't even thought about. So it just increases their awareness.
Roane Hunter 5:42
yeah. It, I mean, it's true in any because, you know, I wrote my son and I do the we did the men's intensives. Eva does the partner intensives for women. And then, you know, she and I do the couples intensives. Obviously, we do those together. And in each of those settings, it is amazing. What happens in that group dynamic. Yeah, it's powerful it is, because it's such a connecting time moment, when you're in, in those situations, with people that are in like circumstances. And one of the big things is just, I mean, this is like, you know, cherry pick, this is easy pickens is like you realize you're not alone. Yeah, the things that you are feeling and experiencing, and thinking, you know, everybody we all think in when we're going through this stuff, somehow, you know, I'm crazy. I've got some diagnosable mental illness, which that's all ludicrous. But it, we all have those thoughts that somehow, man, I need to be locked up in the state mental hospital. But you get in those environments, and what you realize is like, Man, I'm kind of regular, you know, we're all in the same boat. And it's just common to the human experience. And certainly, you know, this, when we're dealing with, you know, with, you know, sexual brokenness on whatever level that comes, whether it's pornography, or affairs, or prostitutes, a full blown sexual addiction, it, I mean, this is crisis level stuff, when it gets discovered. And boy it just does a number on everybody involved. And so if you can be and get into doing a group intensive like that, it's so much more effective than just sitting on the couch, hour to hour, week to week. That takes a long time.
Ben Derrick 7:47
I do think you guys can appreciate though, what you're saying sounds very opposite of what would be true, right? Because I show up to a place and I'm only here because I, or we, are broken in some way. And now we have to be broken in front of other people. There are not a lot of social constructs where that's actually a good idea.
Roane Hunter 8:08
Ben, I thought that happened at church.
runs back everyone.
Eva's here. Gotta be there. Yeah.
Speaker 1 8:17
Well these are the two places where we would we would think the help would reside either in a faith community or our family of origin. And most people go to those two places and realize, uh oh, this, isn't it, right. So when they get to an intensive, I guess it would be helpful just for our listeners to hear. How does that go? I mean, we all like fall in you know, one by one and shame or how, what happens here at these intensives we show up on typically it's on a weekend. We show up on a Friday, then what right?
Eva Hunter 8:49
Yeah you want to jump in?
So typically, what happens is that everyone is feeling anxious. That's normal. Okay, right, because they're showing up to a place that they've never been before. For me personally, I do my intensives for women in, at a cabin. The cabins on five acres, it's really a beautiful setting has a little lake in the back in the back of the property, and it's very peaceful, very calming. However, when they walk in the door, they feel very anxious. And like I said, that's normal. So we're very intentional about trying to help them settle in and feel some level of connection very soon with one another. And once they feel some connection, they begin to feel safe. Right? Many times that happens with me personally sharing my own story, or one of my other therapists or coaches that help help me they they may share their story too. Now the playing field is level. Right? Yeah. And that that's typically the first start in an in those groups, things done in our couples intensive, round, and I will share our story together, or we actually have a video that we will show, like, this is where we came from. This is us.
Ben Derrick 10:19
that makes a lot of sense. So you don't have to share that story over and over.
Eva Hunter 10:24
Because we'll go down all kinds of rabbit trails, it could last for hours if we didn't.
Roane Hunter 10:32
have a video to contain Roane.
Yeah, well, you know, I mean, it's so important for us as the facilitators. And again, this goes against, you know, what your they tried to beat into you and counseling training of like, you know, do not share your personal experiences, all that stuff, which is crazy.
Eva Hunter 10:53
Well it is and I think is changing too, though. Yeah, I think it is changing. They're beginning counseling was beginning to see the value in it.
Roane Hunter 11:00
It's very slow. No doubt, it is slow. But it I mean, basically, you know, the people that are there begin, like, they're like, oh, wow, if they're going to be very open, and maybe we can too. And we tell couples up front that like there's no like, nobody's gonna be forced to air their dirty laundry, tell anything that you don't want to tell? It's not a lot of people think that our intensives are, we're just gonna get in there, and you're gonna have to tell everything very deep, dark secret you've ever done and share that in a group. And that's the furthest thing from the truth. They don't share any of that. And they are going to benefit greatly. It's pretty amazing. I think the way that I try to describe to somebody is like, you're going to be in an environment, where you're doing really kind of group therapy, in an environment with others, obviously, and your spouse is going to be in the room with you. And each of you are going to be doing your individual work in there like that. Because most people, if you're in Christian them, you might be you've been to some marriage seminar or some thing. And it was pretty lame. Ben, you got some good tips, and you wrote some stuff down and you sat there cognitively listening. And that's what they think it's going to be well, it is not that because you're going to engage experientially, and that just simply means that not only are you going to engage cognitively, it's like your mind and your body are going to be engaged in the process. And even research shows it's the most effective form of change. And rather than just sitting on a couch, cognitively talking, now, I'm not saying don't go to counseling, obviously, everybody needs to go to counseling and go a lot. Yes. But it is so much more effective in those environments.
Eva Hunter 13:06
For sure, yes, I totally agree with that. Also, I think in our couples, intensives intensives. Like we've already had one this year, and we have two more one in the summer and one in the fall. In those intensives the couples that yes, they're doing their individual work. And yet, it's where they become so empathetic with one another, right, because now they can see, they may have known the backstory, but now they can see the backstory of what set them up what they what set each other up in order to marry one another what they brought into the marriage. And I mean, it just is where empathy begins to happen.
Roane Hunter 13:56
Yeah, we often say you know, our the couple's intensives are just simply it's a, I mean, our whole process that we take a couple through is a movement from false intimacy to true intimacy, the marriage that God desired intended for all of us. Before all hell broke loose.
Eva Hunter 14:17
Yes you're saying intimacy, and I love that word intimacy. Um, I'm saying empathy, empathy. Yeah, empathy, too, they really begin to connect on an empathetic level as well. Yeah. And
Roane Hunter 14:29
that's one of the most powerful pieces because we're obviously working with each individual's family system, what they grew up in, and this was way before they ever met each other. So it you know, I mean, the tendency is for spouses, you know, to blame everything bad in my life on her. Right. And that's, you know, so far from the truth because, I mean, what happens in marriage, the stuff that I brought into marriage, the baggage With the luggage that I brought in onto the marriage train, all that stuff was packed in that luggage way before I ever met Eva. And in the end, you know, it's in that compartment that zipped up tight up underneath the main part of the suitcase, but it's there. And then it starts to come out in the marriage. And then you know, rather than looking inward, I just want to blame her, because that's much easier. And we never do the inward journey, the work. I mean, really, it's kind of the Christian journey. It's what we're all called to be doing. But we don't do and Western Christianity much. But if we're doing the work, we're going to be in this process, what we're figuring out are the messages the deep seated false belief system that we all have that gets tapped into. And we then we get into these arguments over nothing. And at 2am. We look at each other and go, What are we even fighting about? Right? But what's happening is like, Man, those Oh, wounds, oh, messages that you brought into the marriage before you ever met your spouse. There, those things are getting tapped into.
Speaker 1 16:13
So the backstory that you're talking about, you really peaked my interest there, Eva. So there's an opportunity for the members of the couple, if they desire to open up more about their own history, and I'm assuming at the intensive, they're given some framework to do that.
Eva Hunter 16:31
Absolutely. And what other couples share, it can help another couple go, Oh, me, too. I did not know that I connect with this part of your story I had, I'd forgotten that part of mine. Right, or I hadn't really, now that I can see it in you, I see it in myself, as well. So that's really you know more about the couples intensive. And then our individual intensives, where we have, you know, several men or women intensives come and we do three of those a year. We have one coming up each, we each do in at the end of April, and then we have one in the summer and one in the fall. You know, that too. They're doing their own individual work? Which is unbelievable what happens in those?
Roane Hunter 17:27
Yeah it's, again, it's just it's the group dynamic. Because the things we say, you know, 25 times a day, at least, you know, the cure for what ails all of us it is connection. And if I can get in a setting like that, and be connected with other human beings with like, stories, that are all moving in the same direction and dealing with some of the same issues. I mean, it's amazing the healing that can occur in a two day or three day intensive setting. It's just powerful. And, you know, Ben, you, we see that at Deer Camp. Yeah, those deer camp. A lot of guys. You know, deer camp is not a clinical intensive. It's our formal name for that as our men's coaching weekend. And we were in Mississippi, we certainly you know, we have to call it deer camp, because it looks like somebody's deer camp. But it's the same type thing that happens where man these guys are coming and they just begin to we just work with somebody story. And it's not clinical. It's not counseling, it's not therapy. Where's the intensives are very specifically there. But deer camp is probably a great way for a guy to really begin to work with this stuff and in in a lot less cheaper way.
Eva Hunter 18:55
Deer camp to I think is kind of see deer camp is more of a flyover. It's just kind of a flyover. And then the intensives are more like okay, I'm gonna land the plane.
Roane Hunter 19:07
Oh yeah we're gonna dive we're gonna go dive deeper. Actually, we're getting on a submarine, because we're gonna dive.
Eva Hunter 19:13
That's good. Yeah, no doubt, right?
Ben Derrick 19:16
It's very helpful to do those things. Actually, I would say in that order for you to be able to go and like, Okay, let me just figure out what it means to sit in this group. And they're often a lot of agreements, either stated or non stated with a couple. So I find a lot of the power isn't being able to separate from my responsibilities and rules of engagement with relationships. And actually to be on my heels a little bit bright. You talk about anxiety, walking into an environment. I'm paying attention a little bit more and a place where I'm comfortable. So I'm a little bit anxious, but I don't have to worry about kids. I don't have to worry about wife. I don't have to worry about coworkers, I've just been on this deck, and there are very few places where that can occur. So I think there's a lot of power and being able to show up in that environment first, learn a little bit of the language and what actually goes on. And especially if the other part of the couple can do that as well. Now we're showing up with a little bit of information and some reps independent before we try to do this together. Right, especially because the the intensive is a little more intense, right. So now you can participate in an intensive as a flyover. I'm sure there are a lot of men that actually do that. Here, but I'm not going to be here. Right. But if you're able to show up at one or at a gender specific intensive, you know, and I think people are always asking me the question, Well, why would I do that? You know, I'm sitting with you on a regular basis, but things are going okay. Well, why would I do that? It's a whole weekend, it's more money, blah, blah, blah, but we're able to say behind these microphones, you're going to accelerate your growth. That's right, by sitting at one of these things, a lot of the powers with being with like minded people learning how to do these things, it is absolutely worth it. And there are couples from all over the country, right, that are coming to your intensives. That's pretty awesome.
Roane Hunter 21:12
Oh, yeah. And yeah, man, because of our, and woman. women and women partners, and certainly because of our connection, as clinical partners with the Samsung society and the Sarah society. In man, they have been tremendous supporters. And they're, they're loading the bus. And, man, it's just so neat. In now, in our for man's intensives, and you've had this for your partner's intensives as well. You know, we got guys coming back as alumni. Yeah, and man, there's nothing better because now what you're really seeing is the, like real community forming in those settings, because many of those Samsung guys, you know, they're in online groups. And, boy, they love coming to these intensives. Because they actually mean like, they know each other and know each other very well, even in the online setting. But boy, they get to come hang out together for a weekend. And it again, that's just another powerful way that this things kind of fall together.
Eva Hunter 22:18
For the partner intensive this year, we'll be offering an advanced when it will be in the summer or either the fall I'm not sure which one yet. But it will be in advance. So you will have had to have come to the first level. This is level two,
Roane Hunter 22:33
your your you said partner you met the couples?
Eva Hunter 22:36
No, I meant partner. Okay, we're doing an advanced
Roane Hunter 22:43
Maybe you haven't been invited to this level?
Not in level two partners intensives. We do edit this podcast.
Ben Derrick 22:56
where we find the name of the episode. This was Roanes not in level 2.
Eva Hunter 23:02
Do you know what I love about this? This is what I love about this conversation that it's typically me going oh, I didn't know that.
Speaker 1 23:15
Yes, yeah. So even with our intensity there, there are different levels. And it's important to go not critical, but important to go in order. You're saying when it comes to level two, you need to be familiar enough with the work at level? Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Before you can move on to level two, level two.
Eva Hunter 23:32
That's right. Ideally, though, if we're working with a couple in crisis, ideally, what we'd like to see happen is that they would each do an individual intensive, and then they would come and do a couples intensive, like over a year to a year and a half time somewhere in there. And they don't have to have had disclosure, I it would be good if they've had disclosure, but they don't have to pay disclosure yet to gain what they need. It almost helps them prepare for disclosure as well. So I would say that we also are now offering it's known as care credit because, you know, getting healthy to cost money. You know, we always say you spend money. Yeah, you know, so we do we have partnered with care credit. And they are just a way to be able to finance some of your therapy.
Speaker 1 24:29
Yeah, I love what those guys are doing. Yeah, you know, understanding that sometimes the need is so acute that the money hasn't had time to get there yet. Right. But we want to do the work and the time that it needs to be done.
Roane Hunter 24:42
And, I mean, I'm I can't remember I'm old, thats not unusual, but I don't think we've ever had any most people once they do an intensive. The thing that you hear that we hear is well that was that was one of the best things I've ever done. In that's true if somebody goes off to treatment even. But everybody's hesitant, you know, if you haven't done something like that, because it's different. It's a different environment. And but boy, it is. I mean, again, I think, you know, we hear it all the time. Best thing I've ever done best money I've ever spent. There's no doubt. Yeah.
Ben Derrick 25:25
So let's break it down this way. What what is, if we could identify the goal, or a goal or a set of goals? What are we out for with this and tensive experience with a couple? Or individuals would what's the end game?
Roane Hunter 25:40
It's that they know themselves. Yeah. Just I mean, certainly awareness, awareness, awareness. And, you know, always say it's like a bat. Every time Jesus opened his mouth, the thing that he is talking about is awareness. Because the more aware we are of what's going on inside of us, the more ability we're going to have to relate functionally, and to regulate emotionally.
Eva Hunter 26:09
Yeah that's good. Yeah, that's really good. You must do this for a living right?
Roane Hunter 26:15
yeah. Write it down. I'll forget it.
You had a moment of genius. And it was on a microphone. Well, you really took 200 words to say what your wife said in a phrase. Yeah. Thanks for chiming in. So to get to know yourself, I think the pushback maybe from our listeners would be well, I already know myself, you know, I'm a Saints fan. I went to Mississippi State, former Sigma Chi, and I sell insurance. What else is there?
Eva Hunter 26:48
Yes, you know, we're always in growth mode. And on this side of heaven, we are always in growth mode. And we always have new awarenesses been at this for a long time. 32 years?
Roane Hunter 27:01
You see 32 before it's, 33?
Eva Hunter 27:03
33 years, and every season of my life, every season four seasons in a year, there's a new awareness for me. So I always want to be in a position in that in those settings to really become a better me.
Ben Derrick 27:20
Yeah. And it's very difficult. I think we should put this out in the space. It's very difficult to do this kind of work DIY. Oh, yeah. Definitely, you know, we are used to in our lives, I've got a question. I'm going to YouTube, um, or watch somebody talk about this, and then I'm going to get after it. Right. Yeah, this sort of work just doesn't happen that way.
Eva Hunter 27:40
No, it needs to be in a group setting.
Roane Hunter 27:44
I always love it. When I hear guys say, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna take some time, I'm gonna go work on myself. And often I'll just look at him and go like, Well, did you been doing that for, that's your problem. You've been working on yourself by yourself. And here you are. So maybe you ought to try to try to do something different.
Ben Derrick 28:05
I love how gentle you are, man. It's just Gosh, just like Santa Claus and Grandpa all wrapped up in one. That's what got you here?
Eva Hunter 28:17
I don't know he saved his goatee. Did you notice? I think he looks younger. Yeah.
Ben Derrick 28:24
Definitely needed that.
Unknown Speaker 28:26
he is a grandfather. Yeah, absolutely precious.
Ben Derrick 28:29
So to be able to say to people, Hey, you're your best efforts or what got you here, maybe it's time to sit back, receive and follow a little bit of protocol that you didn't think up, right. And these intensives allow you to do that you're able to submit to a process more than just today. And I find as well, especially at Deer Camp. Day one is kind of the wind up wind down sort of day, right? So if you're going to, if we could put this in, in very standard terms, if you're winding up and winding down the side of an hour, once a week, for 12 weeks, you're you're doing the hardest part of the lift, without any the benefits of group and getting to that second layer of okay, now I'm acclimated right, I can actually talk some stuff out and give other people space to talk those things out. The weekly sessions are so great for like, checkups and things are that are acute, right? But when we get to these intensives it gives us enough time when we talk about story to get into more of the story, right to read chapters three and four and six, and that's so helpful for people.
Roane Hunter 29:41
Well you know, one of the things that happens in the the hourly counseling session, I mean, it's so common, especially with couples, even with individuals to is like man, we're just we're kind of putting out the fire of the week or the issue of the day. And then you kind of deal with that. And then like to really get into the actual therapy work, which is not putting out the fires, where you're actually beginning to gain insight and gain awareness, looking at, you know, kind of, you know, how you got here, how you're wired, your trauma, all the stuff? Well, usually you have about seven minutes to do that. And so maybe somebody drops into that. But then it's like, okay, time's up.
Eva Hunter 30:30
I know. Yeah,
Ben Derrick 30:31
we just got to the good stuff walking down the hall on the way out, right? Yeah. Yeah. So Yeah, unfortunately, run a little short on time. For those that are listening how to how do we find these intensives? Which website? How do we sign up? What's the best way to do this?
Roane Hunter 30:46
Yeah, just our website is just, it's lifeworks.ms. And there's, you can enter the program. Yeah, there's a there's more information about the intensives and dates under the program's tab. But you can just send an email to info@lifeworks.ms and one of our admin will get back with you and hopefully get you here and into one of our intensives
Ben Derrick 31:16
easily done. Yeah, absolutely. And we're hopeful Roane that you will eventually reach level two. And walk at your own pace. We are with you.
Roane Hunter 31:29
Trying to get to level 1.
Eva Hunter 31:30
I just love that I had new information.
Ben Derrick 31:37
To learn more about what you've heard today, and to engage with the Sex God and Chaos team, visit sexgodchaos.com